On the phone Sun. night, I told Jason I was going to stop being mushy, he asked what I meant, I told him it was about how he blows me off when I try to say anything romantic or tell him how much I love him.  He finally explained that he had jumped right into that with Talina and it "bit him in the ass".  So I just kind of let it go at that.  I was pretty down, and I guess it showed on MySpace.  He messaged me asking what I meant.  I explained, on MySpace, that it was discouraging that we felt differently for each other.  In his message, he said that just because he doesn’t say he loves me with all his heart doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.  So I responded, telling him that I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad or guilty, just letting him know that I won’t say anything romantically-inclined anymore because it’s obvious that he loves me, but not the same kind of love I feel for him.  He then brought up again how he’d done that with Talina & she hurt him so badly.  He also said he’d planned to surprise me for Valentine’s Day by taking me out to eat.  All of this to which I responded that if he’s not over whatever Talina did to him, he shouldn’t be with me in the first place, and that I don’t see the point in Valentine’s Day if the love you feel isn’t romantic.  I also said that he deserves to be with someone he can fall “in” love with, and that I deserve someone who will return what I feel.

He called after he got off work & we talked for awhile.  That’s when the “long term commitment” was brought up.  We pretty much just reiterated what we’d said over MySpace, except that he kept saying he didn’t know how to prove that he loves me & that he’s happy with me.  I told him that I know he loves me, but it’s obvious it’s not the same kind of love since he just blows me off whenever I try to be sweet.  Somehow it got around to him saying, “Yes, I’m afraid of long term commitment”.  That’s when I asked him why he would tell somebody he loves them if he didn’t want SOME kind of commitment.  Seriously, I don’t tell someone I love them if I’m afraid it could lead to something.  So I told him that although it had been a BIG struggle for me, I had tried to not judge him for the way other guys had treated me or for the times I’ve been rejected, and that I would appreciate not being thought of as Talina or being punished for the way she treated him.  So that exasperated him.  But that’s the way what he was saying made me feel.

So the other night, when he was at the house, we were just lying on the bed, and I didn’t feel well.  So he said, “I love you; just because I don’t say I love you with all my heart all the time doesn’t mean I don’t, because I do”.  So I just said, “Okay, I love you too.”  So he asked me why I was acting weird, and I just told him that I’m trying to distance myself a little bit so I don’t get more attached than I already am.  He wanted to know what that was about, so I matter-of-factly (not guilt-trippingly) told him if he doesn’t want anything long-term with me, there’s no point in getting more attached to him than I already am.  Again, his sputtering exasperation with, “That’s not what I meant…..I do……Uh……”. 

Had a bit of fun this evening, which is chronicled in my MySpace blog.  Had an amazing time with Jason.  Affection is great, and is something to which I am totally unaccustomed.  But with him, it feels so natural.  The only thing I worry about is that he & I are so totally different.  He doesn't care about grammar, spelling, English or reading or anything of that nature, and I, on the other hand, use bad grammar most of the time but I know the difference.  He is completely into deer hunting and I can't see the point in wanting to destroy a living thing just for the sake of possessing it.  There are times when he'll say something that just makes me mentally roll my eyes, but...I love him and I wonder if that's all that really matters?  They say opposites attract...but what I'm wondering is if they stay together?  

I guess it's that this is all so new to me and I should probably just chill.  

I had an epiphany yesterday (well, day before, now, since it's technically the 24th).  I don't know why I never though of it, why it never crossed my mind, why I never saw it clearly until now.  I want to major in anthropology.  I love history, cultures, psychology, arts, archaeology, mythology, world relgions, ethnicities, classical literature, languages & linguistics, and all these years i've floundered, wondering what to do with my life when, in fact, my life had been dwindling away.  Now I'm practically middle-aged & have no college degree, no purpose, no worth as a human being & have made no contribution to society.  Then it dawned on me that anthropology would allow me to pursue all of my interests and maybe open the door for me to reach my destiny...whatever that may be.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not an arrogant person by any means.  So, my thinking that I have some purpose to fulfiill that will affect mankind is not a huge ego; I think every human being on Earth has some similar meaning.  But I also believe that the majority of people never reach their destiny not because they lack ambition, means (although that is often the case), talent, intelligence, etc., but because their purpose never becomes clear to them.  Mine hasn't either, but I want so badly to find it that I'm willing to pursue it.  I have to admit, I do want to be known.  Not famous, like a celebrity, but known in the sense that at any time I could be at the hub of what's going on.  This is not a need or desire to be where the excitement is, rather a desire to be connected to the important things that affect humanity.  I think I might have found the doorway to what I'm supposed to do; now just figuring out what it is...  But it's a start, I suppose.  I'm willing to be that I will never amount to much, that my life will never have an impact on society.  But it's the trying that really makes it all worth it, I guess.

Now if I could just sort out my inability to cope with a love life...isn't it sad when a grown woman (alas, I hate that term, but it does apply) doesn't even know "how" to have a boyfriend???  I know the lack of common interests, goals, priorities, etc., is going to be a tremendous drawback...but I think the love is the most important matter and I know that I feel that for him.  And I believe he means it when he says he loves me.  So I'm just going to go with it.  I feel pretty blah, but all in all, I guess things are on the verge of looking up.

Now also comes the task of getting enrolled SOMEwhere, finding a place to live, etc. 

Six years is a long time to flounder.  And now that I have one shred of happiness right at my fingertips...I don't know how to be happy.  For about a week now I've been dissecting the situation and nitpicking every nuance of it.  The weeks prior to this one I was ecstatically happy, even if certain details of my life needed to be worked on.  I want to love and be loved, but I don't know how, and I think it's as simple as that.  I think I've been so easily irritated lately because I'm unaccustomed to being in a relationship.  I think I lack that gene.  For 26 years I've longed for romantic love, wandering lonely and feeling like I was always outside peering inside the proverbial window.  Now...I want to be in love.  I want the one I love to be in love with me, but I feel like he's simply settling for what's right in front of him.  I don't want that.  Also, now that I'm not alone anymore, I feel that it was much easier to be unhappy and lonely than to feel inadequate at every turn.  

Love is something new and foreign to me, more so the relationship aspect of love.  What happens when passion and attraction fade?  I've always thought that if love was true, two people would continue to lust for each other until the day they died.  I don't want things to slow down; I don't want to reach a plateau with the one I love.  I don't think that's love; I think that's settling for what's in front of you, which as I already said, is NOT something I want either for myself or the one I love.  

I'm feeling that no matter what I do, I'll continue to flounder until I establish some kind of meaning to my life.  I have a decent JOB, but I have no career.  I haven't finished school.  I live with my parents.  I create nothing, I do nothing worthwhile or noteworthy.  Maybe that's what's making me feel so unsettled the past week, now that I've had time to think about my relationship.  Maybe if I create some sense of purpose in my life, the rest of it will fall into place.  I used to think that I would be happy with any aspect of my life as long as I was loved.  But now I know that love is not the only thing worth living for; this may sound arrogant, but I've always felt I had some purpose to fulfill.  Maybe nothing special or grand or famous, but...something.  Maybe I'll never be happy until I achieve that.

Okay, so I didn't make it out to Wheelock last night. After the frickin' draught we've had it finally decided to storm last night. Which I'm not complaining about.

I'm so bored I could slip into a narcoleptic coma right about now. At least I'm making money to sit here & play on the internet. It could be so much worse. More later.

So I finally got my camera working again; think I'll take it to Wheelock tonight & see what I can get. Unfortunately, the cemetary is off-limits now & it's a felony if I get caught...but I have no intention of causing any damage or vandalization. Those cold spots are just too good to overlook.

 I set my turtle free today. Poor guy's been couped up in the water garden for over a month, so I took him across the back pasture to my cousins' pond & let him go. Wow; my life is exciting.

A few of us went out last night, but it sucked b/c there was a live band; I swear I expected the lead singer to adjust his wife-beater, push back his trucker hat and exclaim into the mic, "Git 'er done!" We left before the place closed, naturally. Thank God for the catfight that erupted in front of us. There really is nothing like 3 drunk, redneck chicks who think they're badasses diving at each other, pulling hair, screeching, and being hauled out in a headlock by the bouncers. I went to school with one of the bouncers & congratulated him on this choke hold. That was the highlight of the evening.

Not a lot to tell. We'll see how Wheelock goes tonight. Maybe the Choctaw nation won't prosecute...

SHIT. SHIT. I'm so pissed off right now. The pictures that took forever to upload into an album on PhotoWorks are NOT showing up in my journal, even though they were last night. WTF???  And I'm the only teller here til 9 am. I'm so frickin' lonely. 

Gordon had cosmetic surgery yesterday to correct the scar, above his eye, from the accident. I couldn't even look at him last night when they came home b/c there were stitches all around his eyes.  He looked like something from a horror film; his eyes were glossed with bloody liquid, all purple, red and swollen. I stood up my date last night b/c Gordon & Mom came home early from the hospital. I feel really terrible about it but I tried my hardest to reach him. I kept trying to call a mutual friend, but her home number is unlisted and the 2 numbers she gave me weren't working. So...maybe I can patch things up w/ him this weekend if I see him.  At this point I'm not all that interested, but I could be.  More later.

I finally got Halloween pics uploaded! Did I mention I won second prize in the costume contest at work? That's $75 just to play dress up!  I worked really hard on the headpiece, using natural leaves, acorns, oak moss, etc., stringing glass beads at the back in varying lengths to create drapes over my hair. I think it turned out pretty okay.  I had fun working on it and dressing up, so the work was well worth it.  The makeup took about an hour to put on; I used 4 different Bare Escentuals glimmers and the effect was really ethereal, which unfortunately didn't show up on camera! :(  The dress I got for Christmas a couple of years ago from Museum Replicas.  Fun times!!!

( Trick or treat! )

Some pictures of me. I post these only for posterity. Hopefully Extreme Makeover will take me next year.

No makeup & curly hair = Shirley Temple gone horribly wrong.

( Eek )

Little Maverick rolling around the periwinkles.

( More Maverick Magic )

Went to see Uncle Gene Sat. Not well. He can't really say much b/c of the stroke, but his eyes followed us around the room a lot. He tried to say something when we came in & Mom told him I was there. He didn't want Grandmama to leave but she had to come back home to get some things. I felt a tremendous presence in the hospital room; maybe it was just my imagination. Grandmama said that when he was at home last week, he looked to the doorway and said "Mama". Maybe she's supposed to take him w/ her soon. It was really hard to see him like that, but when asked if he hurts anywhere, he tries to say "no" and gestures to the negative. That's all anyone can ask, that he doesn't feel any pain. I'm prepared, I suppose.

I finally signed up at MySpace. The url is http://www.myspace.com/emilymcdonald of course. I'm sitting at the window right now contemplating life, inertia, wanting to get into paranormal investigation but knowing none of my fellow rednecks would be interested, and thinking of how good Kristie's lunch smells. What shall I eat? In this podunk town that I unabashedly call home, I know my only options are fried food of various assortments. More to say later.

Went to Waxahachie this wknd. with Stacy, Ty, Tray, Cindy, & Cindy's friend Michael.  Spent the night in Paris at Stacy & Ty's Fri. night, made friends w/ vodka, watched "Orgazmo" & had a great time.  We headed out Sat. morning & looked at a house for Tray & Cindy to buy, which I believe to be haunted, so I hope they buy it! We had a blast with walkie-talkies in the 2 cars, especially taunting Cindy w/ "We can dance if you wanna..." Made it to Stonebriar mall; Stacy & I murdered our old muscles by ice skating. We had an estrogen overload at Sam Moon & had to get OUT of there. Very proud of myself; didn't buy anything except a bottle of l'Occitane Foaming Jelly at Sephora (my hair smells like honey :) & some Swarovski crystal earrings.

Checked into the hotel in Waxahachie & had to lie to the front desk b/c there were 6 of us. Then we headed to Screams! So pleased to discover it's on the same grounds as Scarborough Faire, so it was kind of like I didn't really miss the Faire this year. Made them listen to "Red Right Hand" on the way there. The place looked awesome in the dark; there were lights all in the trees & along the ground but it still managed to be eerily dark. The area across the bridge was blocked off, but we had access to the rest of the grounds. I have to say, the Rennaissance village looked great all "spooked up". As Stacy pointed out, it was like a creepy Romanian village or something. Had a fantastic time, shrieking & laughing like children. There was a guy dressed up like a demon moth/bat thing on stilts. I took his picture; he walked up to me & pointed to my pocket w/ his stilt, where he knew the camera was. It was so cute & endearing, so I took my camera back out & took his pic while he spread his "wings" & looked menacing. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out, but I'll remember it for sure.

We did 4 freakin' cool haunted houses. The last was a 3D adventure with clowns, so naturally Stacy was terrified. We made Tray sing "Pretty Woman" at the karaoke in front of a large crowd of people. He was by far the best performer & people were standing up, clapping, cheering. One guy at the front stood up & urged everyone to cheer; after Tray left the stage he congratulated him. I think it made him feel good; he hasn't sung that song since high school! I felt like a little kid again all night, especially since I love Halloween so much. The only bad thing was that it was sooooo cold.

Everything shut down at 2 am & we headed back to the motel. Stayed up for about an hour watching "Young Guns"; freaked Ty out by saying "bloody Mary" into the mirror ;p Had to sleep w/ Stacy & Ty and that was weird. Headed back; ate at IHOP. Slept most of the way back while it rained. One of the best times I've ever had!